Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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