How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
