I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
