y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize