Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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