do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
