Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
