mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
