I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
