Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
