just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
