Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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