I heard we made out
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
