I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
