If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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