he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize