Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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