I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
