Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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