So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
