I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
