need another drink. this is the easiest way
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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