We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
