fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
