Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize