dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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