The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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