Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
