nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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