I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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