At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
