I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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