The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize