The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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