Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
