ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
