Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
