Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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