I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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