i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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