What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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