so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
