My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize