dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
