stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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