There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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