I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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