Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
