Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
