My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
