It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
