I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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