Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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