I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
