I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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