Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize